Two problems, two solutions

Firstly - the intersection of binge drinking and rape culture.

Mark Metherell of the Sydney Morning Herald has done a sterling job turning some fairly dull anti-booze research into a relatable and relevant public health message. Just as his article "Binge culture puts young women at risk" (SMH, 18/11/2010) summarises the report so you don't have to read it, I shall summarise his article to save you, dear reader, some time.

ATTENTION WOMEN: If you binge drink, you will probably be raped, and it will be all your fault. So don't binge drink.

Well done, Mr Metherell, for articulating this valuable public health message. Your concern for the young women of our fair city, nay, country, touches me deeply.

Secondly - the perennial Villawood problem.

The current asylum-seeker visa process is inefficient, expensive and untenable. Mandatory detention benefits no one, not the Australian taxpayer nor the "alleged" refugees. I propose that the current system be overhauled and replaced by a single, streamlined, one-size fits all process by which prospective on-shore asylum seekers, arriving by plane or by boat, are immediately issued with a bullet to the head as step one of the visa application process. It's quicker, more reliable and much more humane.

Thank you for your attention. I shall await my OAM in the post.

I hear the pension plan is really good, too

Attention all malcontents, whingers, cynics and armchair generals:

The time has come to gather in arms and rise up against our nincompoop overlords.

The time has come to get yourself a slice of that tax-payer funded pie.

The time has come to get the system working. Working for you.

It is the time, my fellow malcontents, to ready yourselves to stand for public office.

Observe the New South Wales political landscape. Cast your eyes across the Plains of Suburban Despair; boiling hot in the daytime, freezing cold when the sun goes down; the voters never quite sure whether they drive the political weather or whether the weather drives them. Observe the hills that surround it, the Great Barrier Ranges of the Public Sector - those bloated, mountainous molehills quivering like jelly, stuffed full of the fat of the land. And beyond them, out of sight beyond the pale horizon, the Swamp of Marginalisation. But we don't like to talk about it because... anyway, changing the subject...

This land, malcontents, this land is ripe for the picking. You don't need a party. In fact, having a party is a liability. You're better off without one. You don't need policies. Again, probably best avoided. All you need to stand for office, proud, free and independent, a white knight, a crusader against all that is foul and corrupt in our dismal State. Or not even a crusader, really. You could just show up. If you appear to have half a brain and have the ability to keep your nose clean, the voters will flock to you and worship the ground you walk on. And once elected, if you can manage to turn up to Parliament sober and avoid assaulting or swearing at your fellow members... no, look, scratch that. If, once you are elected, you can keep your hands out of the till and your friends off the payroll, that will be excellent. Really.

In return for your hard work being honest and not fucking up the state, you will be rewarded with an annual overseas holiday for study purposes (the difference between economy and business class is a perfectly valid topic) and a car.

So start your campaign planning now, good people of New South Wales, and I can't wait to vote for you in March 2011.

A transport system with all the trimmings

For those of you who pause to reflect on the glory that is contemporary society, you would probably consider that the state of public transport is no less than a marvel of freedom, democracy and egalitarianism. Priced cheaply enough that travel is within the budget of even the most destitute and malodorous, with the awkwardness of segregation merely a hazy memory banished many decades into the past, the modern urban train carriage, tram or bus seems like a little microcosm of society. Captains of industry in their crisp business suits stand squished between goth rockers and young mothers - people of all shapes, shades and sizes packed together like a little UN delegation. Surely this is the living proof that we the human race have transcended our petty divisions and come to embrace each other in all our difference!

Well no, not really.

Back when transport was a novelty and options were limited, it was very clearly demarcated by class. Trains had first, second and even third class carriages. Poor people caught the horse-drawn omnibuses into town. Rich people rode, or took the carriage. The movie "Titanic" relied heavily on the difference between first class and steerage for most of its plot. Fast forward to today and it's only airlines that seem to care about class distinctions enough to charge different prices for the same trip. And even in the airline industry, there are operators who only offer budget seats, or only offer business class travel. Class hasn't really gone away, it's just changed shape. We haven't become a more democratic society, just more affluent. Much more of society can afford cars now than could afford carriages a century ago.

Public transport isn't egalitarian, it's just Third Class travel. Second or First class travel nowadays means driving a more or less expensive car. Thus you get people who are happy to delude themselves that they're being "green" by buying a new hybrid when they could have reduced their carbon footprint much more by purchasing a second-hand car with good fuel-efficiency. The real reason for buying a new car is that these people travel first class. Downsizing to a Barina is taking a step down the social pecking order, which is why you don't see anyone doing it. The environment is not as important as class.

When you get down to it, there are very few people on public transport purely for environmental reasons, and there are very many people who wouldn't consider public transport for what are ostensibly class reasons. Public transport wins where it's the only option (for people who can't drive or don't have a car), a cheaper option (for those who have no money to own or run a car), or a quicker option (for those who have better things to do than sit around in their car in Sydney traffic). Public transport loses if you can drive, have the money to drive and don't mind getting caught in traffic. If the choice is between getting stuck in traffic or stuck between some plebs, decent citizens will pretty much choose traffic every time. Sydney Buses can advertise themselves as "Safe, clean and convenient" as much as they like, but the lower North Shore will never be convinced. Nothing could be safer, cleaner or more convenient than one's Mercedes.

So I predict that we will see the return of class to urban short-trip public transport. Either as a carrot to get ex-Mercedes owners onto the train, or a sop to the lower middle class who will be forced onto public transport when fuel hits $3 a litre, demand will grow for transport that combines a high standard of service with a high standard of fellow travellers. Room to read your paper, maybe a WiFi connection. No being forced to share with upsettingly smelly patrons. No stupid rules that forbid you to eat breakfast on the way to work. Friendly but unobtrusive staff in elegant uniforms with little hats and gloves.

"Safe, clean and convenient" is for plebs. Class demands style, elegance and reliability. None of which, I bet, is addressed in Sydney's new transport plan, except in the huge discrepancy between public transport funding and money earmarked for roads. Personally, I know I'd prefer first class carriages to new road tunnels. Follow your nose, people of Sydney!

Hate crime on the rise in Newtown

Picture: Disturbing flyer distributed to Newtown letterboxes in early December 2009.

In the wake of anti-immigration propaganda late last year, Newtown is now in the grips of a wave of hate crime.

Presumably upset at the failure of the federal Emissions Trading Scheme legislation and inability of nations to agree to a binding target at the recent Copenhagen climate summit, hoodlums have taken to the streets of Sydney's latte belt and are taking matters into their own hands.

Urban 4WD and SUV owners have been waking the morning to find their vehicles have been keyed, covered in graffiti or even attacked with blunt instruments, causing thousands of dollars in damage.

A lefty environmentalist conspiracy to drive up insurance premiums and thus make large inefficient car ownership prohibitively expensive has not been ruled out.

However police are urging calm and have released a statement assuring Inner West large car owners that they are not being targeted and that vandalism rates remained unchanged across all classes of vehicle.

Tests have revealed that the potatoes found in the exhaust pipes of the vandalised gas-guzzlers are organic, but investigators claim that this is not significant given the demographics of the area.

Investigations are continuing. In the meantime, police advise car owners to be vigilant and report any suspicious activity.

Give a Piece of Malcolm a Chance

Picture: The Hon Malcolm Turnbull, MP and Deputy Opposition Leader the Hon Julie Bishop, MP watch on as Warrant Officer Class 2 Jeramie Faint (right) explains the make up of a rocket propelled grenade during their visit to meet the solders in Tarin Kowt, Afghanistan. Photo By: Corporal (CPL) Ricky Fuller

A grassroots movement is swelling in New South Wales to overthrow the incumbent Labor state government and replace it with Malcolm Turnbull.

However the group will have to work quickly to prepare the minimum of 53 Turnbull clones that will be needed to assure him victory in the NSW state election on March 26, 2011.

ABC election analyst Antony Green commented that the Turnbull Clone Party would pose a major threat to both the incumbent Labor Party and their lacklustre Coalition opposition.

"With the exception of Cessnock and Bathurst, the most closely contested seats are a fight between the big parties and the Greens and Independents. Very few seats are a contest between Labor and the Liberals or Nationals. I suggest that this speaks of a growing resentment of the major parties amongst the voters of New South Wales," Antony Green said.

It is this voter disgust with the current political offerings that the proponents of the Turnbull Clone Party wish to harness.

If they are successful in New South Wales, the Turnbull Clone Party hopes to take advantage of the high levels of female voter disgust sparked by new federal Opposition Leader Tony Abbott and possibly even unseat the federal Liberal Party.

Art students mobilise in protest against Tony Abbott (NSFW?)

Picture: Upskirt protest message at Tony Abbott's virginity comments

The backlash against Tony Abbott's advice to women to remain virgins until marriage has sparked a fierce reaction from women all over Australia.

In addition to the millions of unimaginative women who have decided never to vote for him, art school students and other rabblerousers, always on the lookout for an excuse to protest naked, have started a campaign to tell Tony Abbott to keep out of their pants.

The unemployed single mother art school lesbian hairy-legged Catholic-bashing atheist nudist slatterns taking part in this campaign are encouraging their enraged sisters to send "upskirt" photos of their nasty bits and use them to send a message to Mr Abbott.

Staffers from Mr Abbott's office confirmed that the Opposition Leader has received some of the protest messages, but would not comment on his reaction to the campaign.

However Mr Abbott's office did confirm that another personal interview with the Opposition Leader will be published next month in Womans Day. The candid article will reveal Abbott's advice to his daughters on various body image issues, including cosmetic procedures like liposuction and breast augmentation.